I don’t know how much more drama I can take from Dot. She is driving me crazy right now, and I can’t seem to get her to understand that it’s not okay to expect so much from me. 

She wants to be my primary, but I’m beginning to think that I can’t have her as a primary, not with how unstable she is. I’m thinking of asking her to step down into a secondary role…that I can’t be that for her because she can’t be what I need either.

I need time for myself and right now I’m not getting any of it- between Sharky and Dot, all my time is taken up. And Dot is seeing things as always her way or the highway. I feel horrible choosing sides between them, but Sharky is consistently the more level headed one, and my rock.

I hate this.

You were never hostile or unpleasant to me. I also never said that, so please don’t attempt to twist the words to make it seem like more than what I said. I said closed off. I said cold. That is what I felt, and I do take offense to you saying that “it’s because in your head it’s an atmosphere”. That feels like you saying that I’m imagining everything that I’ve felt, and none of what I experienced was real. It’s a very effective way to take no ownership over what is a two way street - or supposed to be.

I was never invited to poly family night personally, except this past Monday. Every other time has been through Dot. The first two times I went to poly family dinner night, yes, I was uncomfortable. It is possible that this showed. After I retreated, for my own sake, no one attempted to contact me. If you were that curious/concerned about why I “mysteriously disappeared”, you could have followed your own advice and contacted me directly instead of speculating about the reasons why.

I did not feel like I owed anyone in the group an explanation, as I did not feel like I was a part of the group. As I said before, I felt unwelcomed. I felt unwanted. Why would I try to explain that to a group of people that I felt this way when I was in the midst of trying to work through confusing feelings? If anyone wanted to know the reason why, if it was that important, they could have contacted me. Getting my information from Dot/Mermaid/OK would not have been hard, and in fact, I added you and everyone else I could find on Fetlife a day after the very first meeting.

You had a way of contacting me, if you had truly wanted to. You chose not to. You chose to speculate about why I “mysteriously disappeared” instead.

“…you left abruptly with the vague sense of dread attached to it and then without communication otherwise chose to friend me instead of talk to me.”

Where did you get this sense of dread? Was this something that Dot said to you? If so, that is second hand information, and again, if you were truly concerned, you could have contacted me.

It’s fine that you don’t take an active approach to being friends. However, I believe that you should know when everyone around you is presenting an easy going, friendly persona, that you, presenting neutrally, will stand out. Since I ‘reappeared’, everyone has been friendly and pleasant, laughter and jokes all around. Except you. So the speculation and ideas I already had from second hand information through Dot/OK/Mermaid was just reinforced.

I did not tell you about K to try and get you to change his behavior, or to blame you in any way for it. I told you about K to explain MY behavior. I told you about K and my feelings of being unwelcomed to explain the “mysterious disappearance”. The reason I did that was because I had heard, second hand from Dot, that you were being closed off to me because of past interactions with metamours, AND because of my unexplained absence.

I was not attempting to blame you for anything. I was attempting to explain what had been going on for me in an attempt to mend what I felt was the reason for the distance.

Now that you have told me that the reason for the distance is all in my mind, I don’t feel the need to try and explain that any more to you.

I was talking to my friends about you, yes. Everything I had experienced from you was neutral (not hostile), and I did not know where I stood with you. I wanted to know if your neutrality/coldness was normal, or if it was just me. It made more sense to me to ask my friends, people I trusted and could depend on that knew you and your behaviors through years of experience with you, than to confront you directly. I can see how you would take offense to that, but I don’t believe that asking for advice from my friends on how to deal with a new person is something that I chastised for.

Mostly because the response I received when I finally did ask you directly is ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about this is all in your head’.

Honestly, J, I did not think of you much during the months I wasn’t present at the poly family night. My mind was a little preoccupied with K, and getting over feelings of jealousy around sharing Dot. I wasn’t concerned with being friends, or even metamours with you. The only reason I started thinking about you again was when Dot was starting to build a relationship with you. I realized then I was going to have to attempt a friendship/metamour relationship with you. That was incredibly intimidating. So yes, I talked to my friends. And then I friended you, which seemed the best way to start up a dialogue. I suppose I could have instead sent a facebook message, but I wasn’t sure how you’d react to a message, and a friend request seemed the easier, less invested route to take.

You could have at any time attempted to contact me, in any forum. You chose not to.

I had my reasons for my distance, and you had yours.

Both are valid, but I believe it is unfair to pin all of this on me.

I feel like everything is my fault. I screwed up, sure. I didn’t communicate properly, and I didn’t go about confrontation is an effective and safe manner.

But I’m not alone in this. You didn’t even try, when I was reaching out, to meet me halfway. You stayed aloft in your ice castle, and looked down on me as I scrambled to figure out why you seemed to dislike me so vehemently.

I feel like you are now going to try and pin all of this mess on me, and that’s beyond unfair.

It’s really hard facing up to something that’s been putting distance between yourself and someone who you’d like to be friends with, someone who is your metamour…and having them react negatively.

I understand. The things I said weren’t positive, and they were possibly even hurtful because they were about someone you love. But it’s the truth. What happened happened. What he said hurt me, and made me feel unwelcomed and unwanted in that space. So I left, and distanced myself. I’m now in a place where I’m not hurting anymore, and I’m over what was said and how it made me feel. I’m alright being around him, and in fact, the only person leaving me with the cold shoulder currently is you.

So I tried to explain what happened for me, in the hopes that it would shed some light on my impromptu absence for a few months there. I was really hoping you’d understand, and get what I was talking about. Maybe someday you will. But for now, I’m left with this gaping hole feeling that you both don’t understand, and actually actively dislike me now, instead of just having neutral to no feelings for me.

Which is really shitty, considering Dot is dating you. And I want Dot to be happy, and she’s having a hard time being happy whenever your reactions to me make me feel bad.

Trying hard to control my reactions though, and instead of blabbing at Dot, I’m talking to Sharky, and on here.

Sigh.

I just want her to like me.

On metamours and playing nice

So, went to the ‘big poly family get together’ Monday night. Things went REALLY well- between everyone but me and Dot’s new paramour.

The new paramour has complained to Dot about all her other metamours hating her, so I’ve made an effort to put forth an olive branch. I don’t want to be another metamour that hates her.

I friended her on Facebook. I talked to her at the dinner.

She hasn’t accepted the friend request (two days later). She barely acknowledged me at the dinner, except to argue.

So… Yeah. Fuck playing nice. If she wants to be friends, she’s got to put forth some effort too.

Dot is spending the night at her new paramour’s tonight.

Sharky is still in LA.

And I am feeling so conflicted around everything right now. I’m both calm and anxious, jealous and happy for her, and feeling like a cat ready to snarl and claw anyone who gets near me.

Weird.

so this is going to be the first post of many, about my polyamory-ness and how f’ed up my mind is sometimes

I have a husband, and a girlfriend. My husband (Sharky) and my girlfriend (Dot) used to date as well. The three of us were a triad. 

That fell apart. Hard.

Now we’re trying to make this all work as a Poly V, and while it’s awkward and painful, I think we’re moderately successful right now. Sharky is trying his hardest to be supportive of Dot and I, while I’m just trying to keep all the emotions from over flowing and shorting out my own system. It’s tough when at least one of them has a minor melt down daily, and I end up playing soother to them, while the other partner ends up on the back burner for the time being.

It also doesn’t help that Sharky is out of town for two months for business, leaving me alone at home, unless Dot comes over.

Sigh.

Right now I’m dealing with the issue of Dot starting to date someone. She’s so excited, and the NRE is overflowing, and it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Especially knowing that they’ll be having sex, and I am terrified that this new woman is going to be both better than I am, and more skilled at the kinks that Dot has.

Just. Bleh. Bleh bleh bleh.